看到Sunny描述她這一週的慘況
以及對未來的擔心（http://www.wretch.cc/blog/Sunnywawa&article_id=27020014）
我心有戚戚焉
忍不住也要吐苦水一番
沒有意外的話
再半年就要畢業了
然後呢？
繼續白天做翻譯晚上家教？
還是去找工作？
找什麼工作？
去公司企業當助理或秘書？
我討厭處理文件、瑣事、書信、填表格和應酬
不過當那樣的職員可以練習處事之道，這是我需要磨練的
但在其他地方也能磨練到吧！
何必一定要在公司行號！
去學校從講師、助教做起？
聽說助教有一半時間要做行政工作
那也是我避之唯恐不及的
況且去了大學就得繼續往上升
繼續念博士和做研究
一直去國科會申請研究經費
可是我現在想到唸書就討厭
我一直想念演戲
但與其說想念
不如說是那次畢業公演覺得自己很爛
所以心裡一直存著疙瘩
想再找機會磨練一番
然後風光下台
這樣就不會一直後悔一直想彌補
（但也可能適得其反，愈吃愈上癮）
於是我上了賴聲川「表演工作坊」的網站
想說他把佛教精神溶入戲劇
我也許可以去跟他學
然後未來用這種方式弘法也不賴
結果他最近剛好寫一篇文章
關於雲門八里的練習場火燒事件
雲門練習場燒掉後
大家才知道那是違章建築
賴聲川支持林懷民的觀點
表示政府太不支持藝術團體
民間也不積極贊助
竟然連國際享負盛名的雲門舞集都沒辦法租一個「合法」的建築
而賴聲川的「表演工作坊」也是相當有名
當外國人問他工作坊的地址在哪裡時
賴說他們沒有一個所謂的場地
外國人大吃一驚
看了這篇文章
我對加入劇團的三分熱馬上退去
想說為什麼我總是喜歡賺不了錢的行業
像做佛教的事也常常是如此
我願意當個挨餓的藝術家嗎？
算了算了，還是吃飽要緊
況且我根本不知道我對戲劇這行的熱情是多熱
一切純屬自己美好的幻想
那我到底喜歡什麼呢？
目前的工作
最喜歡的其實是家教
看到學生進步當然是很大的成就感
但最好玩、需要花我最大力氣的是靈活地與他們互動
這點我不見得做得好
但就是因為學生是人而不是機器
他們有情緒和喜好
因此我得一直觀察一直調整
這樣的有機關係是最有挑戰的
比如這學期開始
我幫一位程度很好的小朋友整個換教材
我已經把她從看得懂Magic Tree House的程度
提升到可以看懂而且愛上Harry Potter了
所以我以為可以開始有系統的訓練她比較學術性、對考試很有幫助的說聽讀寫
說、聽、寫她很樂意
可是那種比較嚴肅的文章
她就是看不下
那堂課
我覺得簡直在跟她跳探戈
我前進一步
她不後退，所以腳被我踩到而哇哇大叫
我嚇得趕緊後退一步
結果她跑去找別的舞者
我只好威脅利誘
好不容易把她拉回來
她又站著不肯動了
整個過程
我把平常自我訓練的觀察技巧、感受能力
以及從書上學來的說服技巧乃至談判技巧
全都用到了
雖然不怎麼成功
但至少用到了而覺得過癮又有趣
那晚
我跟媽說我想當諮商師、心理醫師
我太喜歡找出問題和解決問題了
而且當諮商師
就得逼著我博覽群書、多與各種人接觸、嘗試各種經驗
才有辦法提供個案有建設性的東西
諮商師和家教的工作環境很像
都是一對一
都是比較深入的有機互動
媽回說到時候我聽了一堆苦水
又解決不了什麼問題
自己還得吃抗憂鬱症的藥
我說我不怕
我會努力打坐
保持悲心
培養智慧
不過睡一覺醒來
我怕了
我一定會被人家的煩惱影響
再查一查心理系、心理輔導系開的課程名稱
竟然有×××統計、×××量化研究在裡頭
我的一鍋熱水也蒸發得差不多乾了
隔天是幫另一個小孩家教
剛剛提到的那位小孩
對於不喜歡的東西
比如閱讀和文法
是大吼大叫，動作變得粗裡粗氣
這位小孩碰到不喜歡的東西
採取的策略是發呆
我前半年很慈悲
都在旁邊等他發呆發過癮
自己回神過來
才繼續我們的課
假裝剛才發呆的那段時間不是時間
這學期
我決定和他探討發呆的主因、助緣、後果，以及解決辦法
他說他打電動也會發呆
我說那你不就死了
他說對啊，只好重新開始
我問是不是你都玩同樣的軟體
他說對，所以他最近在下載新的遊戲
我說：我就是怕你無聊發呆，所以一直換課本，一下換文法課本，一下換做自修裡頭的習題、一下換 “Let’s go”那種有圖案的書，可是你還是碰到文法速度就變慢。
我問他在什麼情況下比較容易發呆？發呆幾秒鐘後會回神過來？
為什麼會想繼續發呆？因為覺得時間很多？還是幻想世界比較好玩？
我跟他說最近很流行探討芬蘭教育
他們每個人有自己不同的進度
所以一堂課裡
有人畫畫、有人寫A程度的數學，有人寫B程度的社會
有人玩耍…
我問他會不會喜歡這樣的方式
他搖搖頭，說這樣就不能發呆了
我說那你寧可老師在台上講自己的
然後你在台下愛發呆就發呆，想聽再聽？
他說對。
回家後，我決定從事教育。
上網查教育部公費留學的科目
啊哈，有教育行政、西洋教育思想史這種科目
感覺還不錯
不過看到補助經費時
心裡又涼了半截
一年生活費補助大約台幣三十萬
學費也補助台幣三十幾萬
可是人家去外國
一年少說也要一百萬
我以為公費留學能夠完全不花自己的一毛錢
不過想當教育部長的話
也可以走另外一條路吧！
我爸覺得公職最穩定
於是不知道將來要做什麼的我
生平第一次去查什麼是高考
唔，唯一可能會喜歡的類別，就是教育行政
不過再往下看
才知道不是考過高考就能進入教育部
也要看有沒有空缺
我閉著眼睛想像自己當個朝九晚五的公務員
每天處理文書、開會、企畫、提案、開會、報告、繁文縟節的官僚作風
雖然知道這些開會企畫也許對台灣教育有一丁點幫助
可是想到那樣的生活，當然是我自己假想的公務員生活
我睫毛濕了起來
人生這樣有何意義？
我又想到了戲劇
如果說怕餓死，那戲劇裡頭吃得飽的路是什麼呢？
啊哈！戲劇博士，然後在大學教戲劇
我上台北藝術大學的網站查
把戲劇系所的資料全看過
可是老問題又來了
我是真的有熱情嗎
還是只是想當玩票而已
其實我想玩的成分居多
如果又要研究理論
儘管是戲劇領域
也變得無趣
其實我只是想表演而已
不是當導演、編劇或學者
啊哈
凱特布蘭琪念澳洲的National Institute of Dramatic
裡頭可以專攻表演
不過那等同於大學而不是研究所
也好，我就是不想研究
再看學費
外國人不能接受補助或獎學金
所以一學期要三十幾萬台幣
恩 如果去銀行借的話
將來應該還得起
結果wikipedia寫說錄取率很低
大約一百個裡面才選一個
我怎麼可能去跟本地人競爭呢？
如果我努力
在那裡念了三年
一個東方臉孔
有人會跟我簽約，成為專業舞台劇演員嗎？
那麼老了
也不可能有什麼電視電影公司跟我簽約
回來台灣把英文結合戲劇倒是不錯
不過已經有人在做了
我現在就可以去當 那種 老師了
為什麼又要多花三年去接受更專業但不見得會讓我找到更好工作的訓練呢？
今天跟同學聊
她說她想去修華語教學的課
所以可能還要兩年才能畢業
華語教學的確不錯
在外旅居的時候
教中文至少比去麥當勞打工有賺頭
看看來台灣的老外
光是教我們英文，生活就夠優渥了
回到家，看到商業週刊報導的華語熱
今天，我決定改行當 華語 老師了
Sunny 於
2008-02-29 13:56:24 回應
This was a long blog.....thanks for sharing with me.
I guess we all have similar problems in life and we probably always will. To me, you're always one of the most successful people that I know around me. Although you have difficulties figuring out the next step, you have accomplished a bunch as well!!!
As for myself...I don't feel like I have done much at all. I have the dream but I haven't done much to go towards it, yes I'm taking classes and doing volunteers but these are still so far from my dream. I realize that there are a lot of people that are far better and active than me....more and more that I see everyday. I get scared and not knowing what to do sometimes. I think that my biggest fear is to fail at the end.
Now....I think I'll just have to try the best I could.
Best wishes to you....no matter what you do!
Sunny
I guess we all have similar problems in life and we probably always will. To me, you're always one of the most successful people that I know around me. Although you have difficulties figuring out the next step, you have accomplished a bunch as well!!!
As for myself...I don't feel like I have done much at all. I have the dream but I haven't done much to go towards it, yes I'm taking classes and doing volunteers but these are still so far from my dream. I realize that there are a lot of people that are far better and active than me....more and more that I see everyday. I get scared and not knowing what to do sometimes. I think that my biggest fear is to fail at the end.
Now....I think I'll just have to try the best I could.
Best wishes to you....no matter what you do!
Sunny
yinyin 於
2008-03-23 21:04:35 回覆
And you're one of the most ambitious and hard-working young girls that I
know. Realizing that there are others better and more active than us can make us
humble; it's always good to know that we have room for improvement. But once in
a while, maybe we should reflect on what we already have had, what we already
have accomplished in order to boost our self confidence and relax a bit. But
again, it's hard to find a balance between overconfidence and humbleness.
About "failing at the end." What do you mean by "end"? 30? 60? Or the end of life? I remember once the Dalai Lama or aother Buddhist master said that the reason why Christians live a more stressful life than Buddhists is because Christians only believe in one life, and Buddhists believe in many lifetimes.
Because believing in only one life, Christians feel urgent to accomplish a lot of things in a short time, and they are afraid of going to hell after death, which seems to be a kind of failure, so they work very hard to accumulate merits. In a way, it's good to have this sense of urgency, or we get too laid-back, but if this sense of urgency disturbs us in a way that we are stressful all the time, than maybe we can try to relax ourselves by prolonging the timeframe.
Buddhists are also very active in practicing the dharma and helping others, but because they know that even if they don't get enlightened or help enough human beings in this lifetime, they can still practice and benefit others in the countless following lifetimes. In this way, they're active, but their state of mind is relaxed.
Buddists also believes in hell, but even if we go to hell at the end of this life, one day, maybe 500 years later, we'll still get out of it because nothing stays the same forever. So if we happen to be in hell, just take the chance to learn from it.
Ok, maybe by thinking that "failure" is a chance to learn, you'll not be afraid of it. By thinking that there is no "end," that every moment is the end of something as well as the start of other things, and that life is a circle not a line, you'll not be conditioned the concept of "end."
Actually, I'm also afraid of failing at the end, so in the pretense of helping you to relax, I'm actually convincing myself that failure is no failure, and that end is no end.
Stay healthy, eat well,
Yinyin
About "failing at the end." What do you mean by "end"? 30? 60? Or the end of life? I remember once the Dalai Lama or aother Buddhist master said that the reason why Christians live a more stressful life than Buddhists is because Christians only believe in one life, and Buddhists believe in many lifetimes.
Because believing in only one life, Christians feel urgent to accomplish a lot of things in a short time, and they are afraid of going to hell after death, which seems to be a kind of failure, so they work very hard to accumulate merits. In a way, it's good to have this sense of urgency, or we get too laid-back, but if this sense of urgency disturbs us in a way that we are stressful all the time, than maybe we can try to relax ourselves by prolonging the timeframe.
Buddhists are also very active in practicing the dharma and helping others, but because they know that even if they don't get enlightened or help enough human beings in this lifetime, they can still practice and benefit others in the countless following lifetimes. In this way, they're active, but their state of mind is relaxed.
Buddists also believes in hell, but even if we go to hell at the end of this life, one day, maybe 500 years later, we'll still get out of it because nothing stays the same forever. So if we happen to be in hell, just take the chance to learn from it.
Ok, maybe by thinking that "failure" is a chance to learn, you'll not be afraid of it. By thinking that there is no "end," that every moment is the end of something as well as the start of other things, and that life is a circle not a line, you'll not be conditioned the concept of "end."
Actually, I'm also afraid of failing at the end, so in the pretense of helping you to relax, I'm actually convincing myself that failure is no failure, and that end is no end.
Stay healthy, eat well,
Yinyin
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